Freak Magnet’s blog

ughh!
meatless hotdogs: never again.

Tim, the boyfriend, is coming into town tonight. I'm soo excited.
He...is simply wonderful. I can be so natural around him. The only thing wrong is that it's too comfortable. But I guess that's my problem....I always want most the thing I probably can't have...hopefully it'll go away eventually...I think for now I'll just chalk it up to youthful folly.

Made hotel reservations for New York for us at the end of the month...should be fun. I'm just excited to explore a city I've been to before, for sure, but with newer eyes. Also, to check out Alex Gray's gallery.

Fuck Yeah.

Last night I ate my expectations for vagrant, feral love. Oh, whooooee, did I. I'm still digesting it, actually. But now I think I'll get over that fairy-tale bit, over this fairy-tale Peter Pan mash-up and agressively/goofily confront the situation until I get a response, any response, and if/when I don't, I can laugh it off and see him for what he really is: a mindblowingly attractive and intriguing individual in every sense of the word, inside and out, but relatively fried not only on a drugmind but on what real intimacy is.

Taking long walks with Eric after a nice mushroom tea...walked all over South Bend and then after drumming outside some friends' apartments for a while, everyone chanting and sitting under the fake sun, the orange bzzz of flourescent moonlight, making the purple sky almost maroon, I had to ask:

"So who's Reuban got up there, upstairs?"
"No comment."
"No comment? I don't think I've met her before."
"Would you like to meet her?"
"Oh, no thank you sir. That looks too messy for my heart at the moment."

BLECH.
Why couldn't I have found a more honest and up-front beautiful ridiculous stray dog peter pan vagabond "hippie" with such a beautiful voice and beard?
Hmm?

They seem to get me every time, and have little memory for how I've gotten bruised and turned rotten purple colors in the past.

If I see him at the national gathering, boy oh boy I'm gonna geek giggle and freak.

I cried trekking up this great hill, walking the 5 miles home last night/early this morning. There were super early morning commuters and people beginning to end their night driving by and I got held and complimented but it still doesn't make it smart any less....

Dunk funk splunked gunk gooped and
why do I keep wearing glasses with the older prescription? I can’t see the stars nearly as well
why can’t I settle in a nook of comfort, when I isolate myself so often so purposefully?
caring too much about others is such a blessing and a curse, but I should probably care for myself better in the first place before I concern myself so much with them, those lovers, those likers, those characters and those fakers.
after purging all the night had to bring me (myself), why do I still feel nauseous?
even worse-my intense hunger, my need, is what makes me sickest.
something has to be done about this.
I ate the seeds of knowledge, yeah, I guess, but he ate the core before I could even take a whack at it.
I want to faint, but that won’t bring me any satisfaction-latent or not.
I want silence. I need noise. I want a full belly but I tire so easily of it….
I want to wander, but haven’t I been doing that for the past twenty years?
I guess this isolation is real now, solid, a dessert with a grossly thick skin on top or something,  I’ve isolated myself long ago and

--
In the middle of typing that early this morning after I got home....(sometimes you just need to type, not scribble, to get stuff out of your head, ya know?), my room mates 16 year old brother barges in demanding to talk to me until 5 am, which I didn't really want to do, but made me feel better...all in all, hilarious somewhat irony.

Reuban woke me up with a phone call. I've been trying to call him for a week and no answer. Normally I would jump up and untangle my dinky marionette strings for him when he calls, no matter what the time, but I was in the middle of this dream...this dream....I think it must be the 30th or so pregnancy dream I've had so far this year? And it's only June 1st? Wowzers.
He said he is back and rescued his phone from his apartment after being at festivals and after-festival parties all the past two weeks. He has presents. So I think I'll forgive him because these ones whoa-oh-oh will probably be good and hey hey hey, my third eye could use a nice polishing, a good squeegeeing...
Anyways. I can't get back to sleep now, so I guess all I needed was 4 or 5 hours tonight. Ah, well....
I need to find someone who wants a waffle as much as I do right now.

Summer is most definitely here...wait...is...it?...
Hell if I know. I've been sick for the past week and a half, today (or rather last night) was the first party night I've had in a while...and it wasn't even that big. Hmmm. My last summer in Indiana is somewhat disappointing so far, but mostly I'm just cherishing time I have left with verdant trees EVERYWHERE and going to the forests when the weather is nice and finding new ways to talk to people and balk at people and pawty pawty pawty my tuckus off, eventually.
Jillian, Eric, Riley, maybe DylanMattTrevorJonReuban and I are itching and planning on going to the national gathering in Wyoming...I haven't been to one yet and I think it would be nice and special to spend it with people I have such strong spiritual, kin-like bonds with before I leave and will not physically be present around them for at least a few years.

I do not have such a bond with the boyfriend, which I find odd...he feels more like a good friend than a lover....I told him I doubt I could ever fall in love with him, though I am extremely fond of the man....loving someone is not hard for me but falling in love is quite a different story...it's only happened once and I'm still tripping from it.

August 23rd, moving to Arizona and back in with my mother...who I used to get along much better with but it seems that time apart and my now much more vocal vocalizations of my detest for "jobs" (as I see most of them as incredibly de-humanizing and not going along with my morals...etc) seems to have had a poor effect on her view of me. While I understand she wants me to "be successful", I do not hold much stock in the  "success" of the life most people want for me...I am uninterested in acquiring "adult furniture" and "settling down", much less subscribing to that kind of run of the mill life....I only get one, I want to make it the one I've always wanted.

Is that so wrong?